


This Heart, My Home

by hello-reylux (She0l)



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adopted Children, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Awesome Leia Organa, Baby!Finn, Bad Parent Han Solo, Big Brother Poe, Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherly Love, Bullying, Comedy, Drama, Family, Family Drama, Female Relationships, Fluff, Friendship, Gay Hux, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Kid!Rey, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Phasma, Light-Hearted, Minor Violence, Modern Family AU, Mother Leia, Paraplegic!Poe, Parents Han and Leia, Poe Dameron Can Sing, Poe Dameron in a Wheelchair, Protective Poe Dameron, Protective Siblings, Protectiveness, School, Sibling Love, Star Wars References, Suicide Attempt, Teenage!Kylo Ren, The Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/She0l/pseuds/hello-reylux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben just wants to keep his family together. But with Han's drinking, Poe's secrets, and Rey's violent tendencies, the young teenager has a hard time keeping himself together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hoe

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the cast, staff, and everyone who worked in and for Star Wars, especially: The Force Awakens.  
> Also to gwendolenperdita.tumblr.com, without whom this fic may not have made it to AO3.  
> And to the reader, for taking the time to read this piece.  
> I just want to see how Ben Solo could have turned out in a different time.

Poe moved to the guest room on the first floor after the accident. He used to have posters of Porsche 911s, Nissan Skylines, and Chevrolette Corvettes in his old room, the one I now occupy. Now the wall paint is chipped in places where the cars used to be. I once showed him the Kempf DARIOS hand controls webpage: just install this ring over the steering wheel and voilà, you can accelerate and break without using pedals. He looked away and said he will never get behind the driver’s wheel again.

I’ve already left Poe on his own for the better part of the evening. Unacceptable: Brothers don’t just leave you unbothered for long periods of time. I swing his door open.

“Ben…dejo?” His voice is thick with sleep. I startle him by half-tossing my iPad on his lap, with Wikipedia open to a smug photo of Douglas Bader, smoking a pipe.

“Hey Hoe, know who Douglas Bader is? Bet you don’t. World War II ace pilot. They had to amputate his legs after an aerobatics accident. You know what G-forces are, right? Turns out having no legs meant blood couldn’t drain out of his brain. He’s credited with twenty-two aerial victories. And I told you to call me Kylo.”

My job done, I flourish an invisible cape and slam his door shut. Next time I’ll have Imperial metal blaring on my Samsung Galaxy. In the living room, Rey braids Mother’s hair into cinnamon buns, all while discussing developments in military technology. (“Wait till you see the AT-6 Wolverine, honey.”). Finn's stars-and-starships mobile plays 'Twinkle Twinkle' over his crib, his mouth frothing with slobber bubbles. I clean his lips with a Kleenex. He smells like milk powder. No one is paying attention to the 4K LG television father bought for mother. Or maybe because it's featuring a particular billionaire-turned-politician, convincing America to backtrack on the American dream.

“Ben, please stop bothering Poe when he’s having his siesta.” Mother says.

“Mother, please call me Kylo. We’ve talked about this.”

“Oh sorry, Kylo, honey.”

Rey sticks her tongue at me and snacks on a pack of Oreos on the coffee table. I make a mental note to comment her similarity with 18th century Japanese womenfolk, who displayed loyalty to husbands by blackening their teeth.

“ _Ma… mamí_ _!_ ” Poe calls. His tone makes us turn heads. Mother practically sprints into Poe’s bedroom and half of her hair bun unravels.

Rey locks her eyes with mine. We dive for the remote. It clatters from the couch to the floor. Her ninety-pound, twelve year-old body squashes my spine. I reach for the remote just a feet from my finger. _There!_  Saw that? It moved-

Rey sweeps it up.

“I win! I win, Ben! I got the remote, I choose the channel!”

My sister, school rep for kickboxing, bounds back on the couch by kicking me like I'm a trampoline. Her brown hair loops flop like the bridle of broncos. Sixteen years of living in this house, and only now do I appreciate our floor’s black-white pointillism. I pick up the dredges of my dignity and dust my pants.

“Cray-cray, I told you: call me Kylo.”

“You’re cray-cray, Bendejo.”

“Bendejo isn't even a Spanish word.”

“ _Pendejo_ means pubic hair, stupid. Poe told me.”

“Highly unladylike.”

“You grow a vagina if you want ladylike.”

This could last half an hour and is not worth my time. Not so bad compared to the vermin who call me ‘emo fuck’ whenever we pass in the school halls, or drown my notebooks in a toilet. Rey changes the channel. Spock screams ‘ _KAAAHN!’_. Star Trek! She flips channels again. Tonight, I'll turn her Oreo cream into mint toothpaste.

“ _Beeen_!”

“Kylo, Mother. Kylo.”

“Alright, Kylo. Please help me put Poe in the Volvo.”

Why would Poe let Mother push his chair? His head sagged as if he couldn’t shake the sleep off.

“The hell’s wrong with you, Hoe?”

“Kylo, your brother is not a gardening tool.” Mother never understood the necessity of sibling name-calling. Perhaps because she’s an only child, or because she too was adopted.

Poe slurs speech, like father does after evenings at Cantinas.

“Don’t feel well... is all, Ky... lo… so stay home… we capiche?”

The one time he called me Kylo was when his friend Jessika Pava’s house was burgled and he sent me to check on her. Mr. Wedge, Mother's guard detail on Saturdays, pulls open the door of the Volvo. Mother and I help Poe on the passenger seat. I let Poe lean on me so he places less weight on Mother.

Mr. Binks, the driver, takes the keys from Mother and the Volvo engine roars to life. Poe flinches, jolted by an old fear.

“I’m taking Poe to the East Medcenter. Take care of Rey and Finn.”

“Like, change his diapers?”

“Of course, dear. Feed him and change his diapers.”

“Mom, I wanna feed Finn!”

“Maybe another time, Rey, honey.”

“She's welcome to change his diapers.”

“ _Ben._ ”

The car door closes and the Volvo drives away. _I’ve got a bad feeling about this._ Yet Mother pursed her lips and Poe could barely string a sentence. I wonder if he wolfed some coke from Uncle Luke.

I glare deep into Finn's brown doe eyes; he ganders at me like I’m from a galaxy far away.

Then Rey rewinds the stars-and-starships; she fascinates infant Finn like a diamond in the sky _._  She pinches his chocolate pudge arms. She hides her face behind her two hands, then peeps him with a “Peek-a-boo!”

Finn chortles like it was the first joke in forever. 

“Okay Finn. Now, say Ben. Buh-en. BEN.”

“Buh. Buh.” Finn recites and I push Rey aside. 

“Stop corrupting him, Cray. Finn, you listen to me. I’m Kylo. Ky. Lo. KYLO.”

Finn farts, flinches, and bursts into a bawl. Rey shrieks with hysterics. 

***

Captain Han Solo drops BMW keys on our coffee table. It should hang on a hook by the door. _Just go, leave us alone._ I glance at the wall clock: it is half past the hour of the ghosts. Finn slumbers, Rey has gone to her room. Father frowns at me and crinkles the creases under his eyes.

“Your mother wants me to pick up some clothes for Poe. He’s in the Medcenter, you might know.” There's a whiff of liquor on his breath.

“You seen him?” I ask.

“Well I am about to go see them, aren’t I?”

I find a paper bag and in goes Poe’s clothes. It smells of detergent. I include the hair gel Poe cannot live without, a couple oranges, and a book of Latin poems that I got him last Christmas, in case of ennui. I hand it to father and avoid skin contact.

Father scratches his head, turned white from lack of sleep and the hours of an irregular pilot.

“Thanks, son.”

 _'Son'?_ I cringe. Could he drive himself to the center? With some luck, he will not make it there.

Then again, my brother's things won't make it either.

***

The door swings open. The wall clock whispers that it's the hour of the wolf.

“You should've been watching him, Leia.”

“If you were at home, Han, this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Think I can just drop out of the sky?” _I won’t stop you,_ I thought. “Who’s gonna pay Poe’s Medcenter bills? What’s this family going to eat?”

Mother is a highly-respected official in our state's Department of Defense, directing the Office of Total Force Planning. She can well support this family’s needs for the next decade. So why can’t she see that our country needs defense from Han Solo?

Finn jerks awake at father’s raised voice. His wails reach Rey’s room on the third floor. Our parents seem surprised we’ve been there all along.

“How long will Poe be staying in the Medcenter?” I ask.

“Take Finn to your room, Ben.” Mother answers. I dare not correct her misnomer. I carry Finn and place the nipple of a milk bottle in his loud mouth. Rey's footsteps thud-thud-thud down to the mid-landing. Her eyes strain at the space between our two parents, thinking she can jump in between and stop the fight. I shake my head, gesture for her to run back up. She follows me into my own room.

The neighbors’ dark blue home take up half the view of my window, although the night sky's still visible. I’ve covered the paint scratches Poe left in this room with posters of my own, including one of the Starship Enterprise and Kahn as portrayed by a tall, long-faced actor, who gave me sexual enlightenment. On the opposing wall is the same Latina lead actress from Guardians of the Galaxy and Star Trek, who made me sexually confused.

“What happened? Ben, where’s Poe? Why are dad and mommy arguing?”

“One, they came in and woke Finn up. Two, Poe's in the Medcenter. Three, they’re fighting 'cause life sucks.” 

Our parents’ yells rise up to my floor; I close the door to muffle their roar. 

I sway to calm Finn down, and glance in my mirror: Finn is leaving a trail of saliva bubbles over the shoulder of my Hot Topic T-shirt. Uncle Luke told me I have father’s face and my mother’s eyes, but he showed me pictures of our grandparents and none of them have black hair. I'm cultivating the beginnings of a moustache that should differentiate me from father. Rey calls it a wormstache.

Rey snuggles to a ball on my bed, where I experiment with my socks. Remember dear children: Never go near a teenage boy’s bed. If I bring us to Rey’s room instead, Finn might eat some of the nuts and bolts she keeps for mechanic works of art. Rey crumples my bed sheets, I force-swallow a scream. 

“Don’t you want to play in your own room, Rey? Build a droid or something?”

The hint flies over her, “Mr. and Mrs. Dosmit used to yell a lot. They were my first foster family. Next thing I know, a social worker is bringing me back to the orphanage.” Rey covers her head with a pillow that gets humped. I hawk back a squawk. 

“After all the trouble at that damn adoption agency, you think we'll just give them our crazy-pants princess?”

My sister ponders this proposal. She rises, thank heavens. I thought she would throw her arms around my middle, like she used to when she was seven.

Instead she peek-a-boos at Finn, who chuckles.

Upon my windowsill, three sparrows cuddle in the cold.

***

About three times a week, Poe’s friends Snap, Bastian, and Jessika Pava comes to pick Poe up in her van and they hang out wherever twenty-somethings hang out. Sometimes only Jessika arrives, and Poe comes home with his hair tousled, cheeks blushing, a glazed look in his eyes as if he’s just ridden Disney Land. My brother does not give Jessika a kiss when she goes home; I guess she may not be his partner, or may not be his only partner.

Our Volvo beep-beeps at the gate and Rey races down the stairs.

“Poe! You’re back!” Poe's still in his seat when he's smothered by our sister's squeeze of death.

“H-Hey there, Cray-cray. Glad to see you.” Poe's wearing a jacket: it has an orange patch on the chest and shoulder, and a red Falcon Airlines emblem. Father must have used his special discount at the Falcon Airlines gift store.

“Dad!” Rey exclaims and throws her arms around father too, who unsurely pats Rey on her head. She hates having her braids mussed up by her brothers, but she doesn’t mind when it’s her dad.

“Happy to see ya Hoe.” I help him into his wheelchair.

“You too, Bendejo. I mean, Kylo. Let’s take it step by step: Bendejo to Ben then Kylo Ben then Kylo Ren. How’s that?” Trust Poe to say stupid things after being admitted to the Medcenter. I push his wheelchair inside the house and to his usual spot on the dining table – it’s the one without a chair. “Do I smell tamales? Great! ‘Cause my stomach should be empty.”

Neither father nor Mother join Poe’s laugh.

Mother likes to sit in the middle with father across her. Rey and I made Poe’s favorite tamales with green chili and shredded pork carnitas for dinner.

“Is Finn already talking?” Father asks.

Rei piped up, “A little. He calls Ben ‘Buh’.”

“Huh. Finn, say ‘Dada’. Da-Da. Da. Da.”

Finn watches father’s lips move.

“Duh-duh.” He says.

Father smiles.

“Watch out, buddy, here comes the airplane!” Poe says and the tiny spoon of Gerber applesauce ends up in Finn’s mouth. Rey watches Poe closely and files away his baby-feeding technique for future use. “So, Dad, what you were saying back in the car?”

“Right. Where was I?”

“Crosswind landings, _papi_.”

Father places a hand on his chin, leaning back on his chair, “Well, it’s really simple. The plane’s always got to face the way the wind is blowing. So what do you do when the wind’s blowing perpendicular to the plane? A crosswind landing. There’s three things you gotta remember…”

“Poe, you’re interested in becoming a pilot now?” I ask.

My brother grins a hero's grin, “I’ve decided not to be a racer anymore. I’m gonna give it all I’ve got to be a pilot. Then I’ll take everyone for a ride anywhere we want in the world.” I felt a corner of the universe tugged, as if the galaxies conspired to fulfill his request. Or perhaps Poe is having flights of fancy.

“You can become anything you want, Poe. You don’t need to follow in anyone’s footsteps.” Father’s utensils stop clinking, Mother clears her throat. When no one said anything I continued, “So why were you in the Medcenter?”

Poe’s smile falters. “Well, I ate something I shouldn’t have. So they had to pump my stomach. Trust me on this one, Kylo. Stomach pumping’s a bitch.”

Rey gasped, “Don’t say bad words in front of Finn!” She places her hands around Finn’s ears, who stares at her.

“So, what was it?” I asked.

“Eh… not a tamale that you cooked because these are the best ever! Did you use the same recipe or did you add something special just for me?”

My parents wait for me to make the right choice.

“Well I added cinnamon-”

“Cinnamon!” Poe’s voice rises that even Finn turns his head at him, “Thought I recognized a sweet smell. What do you think, Finn? In honor of Kylo’s out-of-this-world tamales, we could call you Finnamon from now on.”

Rey giggles, “He’s a beautiful Finnamon roll! Too good for this world, too pure!”

My parents join Poe and Rey’s laughter. I drink lemonade to hide my expression. Finn looks at me as if he can’t believe this is really happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would appreciate a review!


	2. Cray-cray

The sun touches the western horizon at six in the evening. I walk behind Rey, counting the stars on her blue galaxy Jansport backpack. Mine has angry red and purple streaks on a black background, like cuts and bruises. Class ends at three but cooking club lasts until four-thirty, and Hux wanted to have a Gay-Straight Alliance club meeting at the McDonald’s across the street afterwards. Fine with me, since Rey doesn’t finish kickboxing training until six.

“To be first, you must be last. The alpha wolf guides his pack from the rear. In the same way, you must always watch your siblings.” Uncle Luke had said like a mystic high on crystals.

“I’m certain Miss Cray-cray can take care of her self. May I direct your attention to her high-kick that could clear the head off a full-grown man?” I had mumbled back to Uncle Luke. He also claims to have been the surviving warrior of an ancient order in a previous life at a galaxy far, far away, so no one takes him too seriously.

A dog barks. We pass by a park where children chase doves and parents push strollers along a winding walkway. ‘Endor Park’, a sign says. One kid with bushy brown hair splashes a hand into the fountain water, which her mother doesn't see from her bench. The mother turns to her friend and says, “Really, girl? Do you honestly believe that sixteen hours of schoolin’ is what your son needs? They’re kids! They need sunshine and runnin’ or they ain’t growin’ right.” There’s a flyer for a Chinese e-gaming cafe called E-Wok. A jogger cuts a zig-zag path through the trees. How fast can I run from here to the other end?

When Rey and I get to a zebra crossing, we watch a gaggle of six Imperial Academy students cross even when the red signal says to stop. Sometimes I wish a semi truck would careen and crush them. Then I’d turn to a horrified Rey, make an airy gesture to their intestines and brains splattered on the road, and declare, ‘See that Rey? That’s what imbeciles are made of.’

We turn around the Coruscant condominium and hear a sneer.

“Look who it is. It’s the emo fuck and a little bitch.”

God, no. Not today. Just because I’m wearing a Hot Topic jacket and have My Chemical Romance songs on my phone doesn’t mean I slash my wrists.

“Who’s that?” Rey frowns.

“Boba, or Bob, Fett. He’s a sophomore like me. Don’t take his bait, Rey. Just keep walking.” Boba has stolen the key rings off my bag and left chewed gum under my table in class. I can send him flying over his head, but he’s figured out I never throw the first punch.

“Maybe your parents can adopt me too. Looks like they’re ready to adopt every kid on the planet.”

“Bob, I’m sorry, okay? Whatever you had to go through after Hux broke up with you, I’m sorry, really. I truly am.”

“So emo’s don’t only feel sorry for themselves? Oh wait, isn’t emo also a handicap?”

A small flash zips past me, a thud resounds: Boba hit the ground. Rey pounds him with her kickboxing fists and Boba yelps and blood sprays.

I think, _Oh yes she’ll kill him!_

I think, _Oh no she’ll kill him!_

I pry a screeching Rey from a screaming Boba. _Don’t let that blood be Rey’s please don’t let it be Rey’s._

“C-can’t… breathe…” Boba scrapes at his hyperextended neck. I am holding my hand towards him, hands formed into a claw as if strangling his neck. But I’m not even touching him. How-?

Boba’s shoulders drops to the ground. He wheezes as if he just run a marathon. Red droplets splatter to the ground from a deep scratch on his arm. Then he grins like he just won Student of the Year award. _Oh, fuck._ He scrambles to his feet and runs towards the Imperial Academy.

I stretch my fingers: why are they not shaking? I almost choked someone and I am the calm eye of a hurricane.

“… Kylo?” Rey gasps, kneeling on the ground. I can almost hear what’s going on in Rey’s head. _I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have fought them, Dad and Mom are gonna abandon me now, they’re going to leave me again because nobody wants me._ “Am… am I in trouble?”

“No sophomore wants to admit a kid beat them. Anyway, what got into you? I told you he was baiting.”

Rey looks down at her brown Skechers boots. I dab blood off her knuckles with my jacket sleeve and offer her a hand to pull her up. She takes it and wiggles free. She stares at her blood on my sleeve as we walk home.

A cat meows at me. It realizes I have no food to give it, and marches off with its tail high.

***

A name plate with ‘M. Windu: Imperial Academy Principal’ in gold sits at the edge of the mahogany desk. Boba’s mother has a vice grip on her son’s shoulder. Mrs. Fett resembles the toy green bat on Principal Windu’s desk, with its elf-like ears and small nose. She seems to be trying to bore a hole in my head with her eyes. I focus on Principal Windu’s dusty selection of books and Chinese paintings of mountains on the walls.

Boba has a large bandage over his arm. The left side of his face is as purple as my schoolbag. Rey sits opposite them, absentmindedly digging a hole in the blue carpet with her toes. Principal Windu has asked Fortuna, his assistant, to call our parents. Thankfully, father is somewhere high in the atmosphere. I just hope the Secretary of Defense has an urgent need to meet with my Mother.

There is a knock on the mahogany door. My stomach flips: it’s Mother.

“Principal Windu. Thank you for calling me. I had to excuse myself from a meeting with Secretary Jinn. Nothing is more important than our children.” She greets Principal Windu with a handshake and, sensing Mrs. Boba did not want one, nodded towards her with a smile anyway. Mother to sits in a black leather chair next to Rey. They hold hands. Later, I would believe that Mother did so in order to restrain Rey and protect the Fetts.

“Ben, Rey. Do you know why I called you to my office?” Principal Windu says.

“Yes sir.” Rey says in a small voice.

“-It was my fault, Sir. He called me an emo fuck and Rey a little bitch…” I launched into my side of the story. Rey gripped her chair tighter and tensed, as if readying to pounce on me. Then she looked at Mother, who must have squeezed her hand, and her shoulders drooped. “…I am appalled by my own actions, Principal Windu. Boba, Mrs. Fett, you deserve my apology. It won’t happen again. I sincerely hope your face improves.”

One corner of my lips twitches like a smirk. Boba flinches.

The mother of Boba’s eyes had flashed lividly and tightened her grasp on her son’s shoulder, “Mrs. Organa-Solo, care to explain your son’s behavior?”

“I believe my son has already explained himself.” Mother says. “Forgive me, sir. My mind is no longer as it was. Mr. Boba Fett, please help me understand: Did the incident happen on school grounds?”

“No. It happened near Endor Park.” Boba said.

“And correct me if I am wrong, Principal Windu, but doesn’t it state on page eighty-seven of the Imperial Academy rulebook that any situations outside of school grounds, and outside of school hours, are no longer concerns of the school?”

A group of students pass by Principal Windu’s window, laughing over a joke.

Mrs. Fett bristled, “You will be hearing from our lawyer about assault charges, Mrs. Solo. I don’t care if you’re the director of the Department of Defense.”

“Yes, I’m sure your lawyer could speak with ours on the sexual assault case.”

“What sexual assault case?”

“The one where young Mr. Fett sexually harassed my daughter, causing her to fight for herself, and for my son to defend his sister’s dignity. What was it he said? Right, yes: my daughter, to Mr. Fett, is a ‘little bitch’.”

Principal Windu gave me a two-day ‘rest’. He excused Rey for the whole day.

When Rey and I have seated at the third row of the Department of Defense’s bullet-proof Starex assigned solely to Mother, her security detail Mr. Biggs and Mr. Wedge sit on either side of her. She directs her driver Mr. Binks to pass by our home, then it’s back to her office.

“Kylo, I want the objective version of the truth. And don’t you dare lie to me, I will know.” She’s right: Some supernatural force grants Mother the power to know if we’re telling the truth. So I give her the full story.

“...And then I broke their fighting. For a second Boba’s choking for air and I thought he’s having an asthma attack. Then he gets up and runs off.” No one would believe me ‘air-choking’ Boba. “Rey comes out of it with bloody knuckles.”

Mother turns to Rey, “Rey, you jumped on that boy first. Ben would never do something that brash. You are grounded from Wi-Fi for a month.”

My sister’s mouth falls open, then she puts on a blank expression and glares at her tawny socks.

“And – I’m not done yet – that boy and his mother are slimy pieces of worm-ridden filth. How dare that boy pick on my kids! All you were doing was defending yourselves from that laser-brain. Did his parents even raise him at all? Unbelievable! Honestly, I have half a mind to sue the Fetts for damages. What are you all looking at me like that for?”

I pretended to wipe a tear in my eye. “Nothing, mother. I just wish I had that on record.”

“Don’t think I won’t ground you too, young man.”

***

Sensei Kenobi called to ask if I had misused what I learned in Aikido.

Me: I only did what I must to defend my sister.

Sensei: Is she alright?

Me: The other kid’s the one we should feel sorry for.

Sensei: So why were you suspended?

Me: Politics.

Sensei: Oh.

And he hung up.

Remember, kids: When nothing can be explained sufficiently, it’s always politics.

***

Perhaps because she works in the Department of Defense, Mother insisted that we all take up some form of self-defense. She could never get me to accompany her and Poe at the shooting range or put on kickboxing gloves like Rey. So here I am practicing martial arts in our front yard at six in the evening. Our neighbors must already be used to seeing a sixteen year-old practicing Tai Chi moves like _White Goose Spreads Wings_ and _Pat the Horses’ Mane_. It’s a preferable alternative to Yoga and the cool evening air calms like a prayer. I wonder if I can sneak to Endor park tomorrow morning.

Rey opens the front yard sliding door with a whoosh. She strides towards me like a tiny bulldozer and maybe I should run for my life. Instead, I take wide steps away with a  _Repulse the Monkey_ , hoping she'll get the hint.

“Why’d you do it, Kylo? Why’d you claim the credit for yourself? You’re not supposed to say that you beat him up, because it wasn’t you who did it. You lied!”

I shrugged _,_ “Isn’t that what older brothers are supposed to do? Claim the credit for their siblings’ good work?”

“Older brothers are supposed to call you names and make you miserable!”

“And aren’t I doing a spectacular job of that?”

Rey inhales and exhales loudly like a furious train trying to blow off steam.

“Okay. Okay. I’ll let you slap me. But just once.”

She juts her face forward with her eyes shut tight and utterly shuts down my morning routine. My arms fall to my sides.

“Rey, have you… actually gone _cray cray_?” I enunciate each syllable.

“Aren’t you mad at me? You must be mad at me.”

“If I’m mad at you, you’ll know.”

“Pick a fight with me, Kylo! Come on, I deserve it.”

“Not Happening.”

She throws a punch at me. I deflect it with a sidestep, then redirect her momentum to twist Rey around her center of gravity. She realizes she is facing the other way.

Rey swings around, “The world doesn’t work that way!”

“Your way isn’t the way it works, Cray-cray.”

“So… so what? I’m just supposed to accept it? That you’ll take the fall for me? Nobody is that nice, Kylo. Nobody is supposed to… to… care so much for a foster kid.”

Sometime during the ten years of her life, someone showed Rey she did not deserve anything unless she paid for it. I made a mental note to hunt said someone down and show them Rey can take anything she wants.

“Must I remind you again? You’re _adopted_. You, Poe, and Finn are adopted. Honestly, I’ve started to feel like I was the result of a broken condom." Rey covers her mouth to hold back a laugh, and I know I've won, "I’m missing school for two whole days. I’m jumping for joy, Cray-cray. You’ve got a kickboxing match and the Gay Straight Alliance scheduled a bake sale there on Friday, so don’t lose.”

Rey’s fists tremble at her sides. She throws a light punch at my arm, which may be a sign of affection or aggression. Or both.

Then she makes a face that could make Finn wail, “Pubic hair!”

 _What?_ “Crayfish!”

Rey throws her arms wide and hugs my middle.

Before I could believe it happened, she swings around and runs inside the house. She slides the door closed with such a bang that it should have shattered. I saw grass clinging to the hems of her black yoga pants and specks of mud in her footsteps. Guess who will have to wash those later.

_Carry the Tiger over the Mountain… Grasp the Bird’s Tail…_

***

Poe must be enjoying the fact every wall around the boxing ring has a mirror. He’s introducing Finn to Finn’s reflection, and Finn is tapping the mirror to see if it’s real. Or to see if he’ll pass through to another dimension. I don’t know, you can’t expect me to read the minds of babies.

We’ve already made dinner arrangements at Rey’s favorite restaurant, the Maz Kanata’s, whether or not Rey wins. The only question is if father will join us. Father’s phone could not be reached, no matter how many times Mother calls him. She steps off the audience benches and walks next to a punching bag near the door, holding her phone up to her ear. Rey is off stretching and warming up with our Sensei Kenobi for her fight. Her friends – the short Bebe, the chubby Arthur, and the tall Pio, sit in front of us at the audience benches. Phasma and and her girlfriend Brienne are selling bottles of lemonade and the cupcakes and muffins I baked.

Hux, Phasma, Brienne, and I hatched the beginnings of a Gay-Straight Alliance, or the GSA club, earlier this year. Miss Snoke, who used to be Mister Snoke, promised to be our club adviser. We fell four members short of the school requirement for an official club, so we decided to take cooking club.

“Because nothing brings in members like cupcakes.” Brienne had said.

“Oh, is that how you seduced me?” Phasma said and tried to tickle her, which led to a kissing session that left Hux and me desperately looking around at everything else.

Brienne tried to catch her breath, “We- we could raise money… es-especially during… s-school events.”

“Like kickboxing matches?” I suggested.

“Like betting at kickboxing matches?” Hux added.

Hux’s two mothers, well-beloved donors of the Imperial Academy, wave and beam at us from one corner of the audience, their teeth full with my rainbow cupcakes. I could almost hear them discussing Hux’s bright future in running organizations. I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s a bookie on the side, and he’s collected enough commissions for a remarkable GSA General Assembly at the school auditorium for next year, bless his gay ass. There is gratefulness in my heart for every parent supporter of our gay agenda.

Yet I had baked a hundred percent of the Gay-Straight Alliance’s cupcake inventory so I could bow out of selling them. Nothing in the world will stop me from holding up a sign I spent last night decorating it with glitter rainbows. It is my duty as a sibling. 

Rey comes up to us, wearing a white tank top and shorts. She's beauty and she's grace. She'll punch you in the face.

"Don't hurt them too badly, honey." Mother says, hugging her.

"Slaughter them, Rey." Poe says.

I am grinning, so proud I am of my sign. I show her my creation. It spells R.E.Y., as an acronym for the words ‘REY ENDS YOU’. 

"Wow, you made this? It's _epic_." She laughs. "Hold it up high for me, Kylo."

"You bet. I'll hold it up for the world to see. Now Chuck Norris them out of here." 

She punches her palm. "That's what I'm gonna do." 

Rey holds her hand up to Finn, "High-five, Finn!" Finn touches it with his fingers, like a high-five. Then Rey is walking back to Sensei Kenobi.

Mother pulls on my shirt to get my attention, “Wedge located your father at the Mos Eisley Cantina.”

She sighs, which is her sign for your-dad-is-drunk again. 

Mos Eisley was an hours' drive away, without traffic. I deadpan, "And you want me to find him." Really? Now? When Rey is going to literally kick ass? I waited a whole month for this. Yet father once threw a bottle at Mother, which missed by a mile and made her security detail put him in an arm lock. They're trained to kill and Mother knows they could do worse. We agreed that we can’t let the government handle family matters.

Mother squeezes my arm, “Kylo, find your father. Bring him home.”

“Let me go with him.” Poe says.

“I need you here, Poe, dear.”

Poe hisses a Spanish curse under his breath that makes Finn wince. My brother hates the day of the accident, and everything it left in its wake. He used to dislike looking for father. Now he wishes he could go in my stead.

I hand him the ‘REY ENDS YOU’ sign. Since Poe would occupy a more open area to make room for his wheelchair, Rey would definitely see him. “Don't tell Rey.”

Poe grips it tight and nods, locking his eyes into mine as if I had given him a mission he would cross universes to succeed. Finn bops my sign and gets rainbow glitter on his tiny fingers. It's the cutest thing. I kiss his forehead, thumbing his fine hair. No one can resist that baby smell. When he grows up, he'll have boys and, or ladies lining up left and right. Or not.

The Volvo keys jangle heavily in my pocket. My feet dig deep into the sand of the parking lot. An infant squalls as I leave my family behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MADE KYLO REN KISS FINN.  
> *Imperial March*
> 
> I would appreciate reviews, as they truly help me how to get better. What do you like and what do you not like? Tell me.


	3. Whatever Kylo Ben Calls Himself These Days

An airline pilot could disappear among the mixed bag of characters in the Mos Eisly Cantina. Its lively jazz tune grates in my ears like chalk screeching on blackboard. A sleaze-bag offers me something called a death stick; I tell them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. The bartender glares at me knowingly. She nods towards the direction of my father, conspiring with his friends Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and Jim Beam. 

“Heeey, kid… You look like my son Ben… except you can’t be… because he’s only sixteen… and this place is... Adults only…!” He raises his voice and waves his glass around like a cobra. I wonder where the nearest lake is, and how long it might take to find a sunken Volvo.

“Don't you know it’s Rey’s kickboxing match right now and I am missing it?” I hiss.

“Rey does kickboxing…? Huh…” He takes a swig.

Inhale. I just have to wait for Poe to earn his Commercial Pilot License. I’ll be the Administrator of NASA or a fourth-grade English teacher or a Tai Chi sensei. Poe and I can make enough to support Rey and Finn through college, with Mom commandeering home and the security of the state. Nobody needs Han Solo. Nobody wants Han Solo. Exhale.

“So, father, would you like to stand on your own feet or would you like me to carry you?”

Father gets up; tumbles- I catch him in time. With my right hand on his chest I’ll use the invisible force to squeeze his coronary artery. His eyes will widen, eyebrows knit in shock at what is happening, then at my lack of surprise. I’ll put father on the floor, screaming for someone to call an ambulance _Help me help me my daddy’s having a heart attack_. I will make CPR compressions on his chest while crushing his artery from within. The last he will see is my face.

But Mother will notice my lack of grief at father’s funeral. Poe will see it in a glint of my eye or the hardness of my lips. Then the way Rey looks at me will never be the same again. And I will die.

A few other patrons look around at us and wisely choose to keep their heads low. Father weighs a ton as I bring him to the Volvo.

***

Rey’s footsteps thud-thud-thuds onto the mid-level landing. She sees father hanging onto Mother and me as we lug him to the living room couch, right on my and Rey’s favorite spots. I don’t hear what Poe tells Rey, but it sends her running back up to the second floor. Then Poe soothes Finn with a familiar Spanish lullaby ‘Arrorró mi niño, arrorró mi sol,’ before he shuts his bedroom door behind them.

I’ve completely missed the competition. I’ve cancelled our dinner celebration. I managed to wipe the Volvo seats a little but couldn’t scrub off the stink of sick. My reward is watching Mother hold a popcorn bucket to Father’s mouth as he retches whatever he had for dinner without us. Some of it gets on mother’s jeans. Ugh. Look at this good-for-nothing. Can’t he just die? Can’t we just kill him so our problems are over?

“Why do you stay with him, Mother? You could do better.”

I watch Mother wipe father’s brow with a cool towel. She cards her fingers through his hair.

“Love is a choice, even when people change. Forgive your father, Ben. You’re already a better man than he is.”

I watch her mouth form words, and I’ve forgotten them.

She does not follow me to my room.

***

A knock wakes me, and a voice like Poe’s asks, “Kylo Ben? You alright in there?”

I open the door. Poe smiles up at me from the floor, as if he’s sorry for invading my privacy. Sweat runs down his temples and he gasps to catch his breath. He is propping himself up on his elbows. Poe had lugged himself up the stairs just so he could check on the worst brother in the world.

“Hey, buddy. Can I come in?”

“Fuck of course you can.” I haul him up and onto my study chair. I support his back with a cassette tape-designed seat pillow. “You climbed up here? How did mother not see you?”

“Dad’s asleep, so she’s taking a bath.”

I sit on my bed opposite him. Poe looks out into vast beyond of my window at the dark, starless sky. Urban light is too bright: There are some memories my generation can never make. Perhaps Poe is imagining what the stars look like, pieced together from pictures and videos of constellations.

“How are you doing?” He asks.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

His smile fades.

“Kylo. Ben. I’d be lying if I said I don’t get envious of hearing you and Rey running around the house. But hell, I brought myself up the stairs so I can have a talk with my pouty kid brother. So talk to me.”

My mind screams to bolt. My soul hints to stay.

“I wish father was dead.” Silence is a conversation technique because it makes others want to break it. I hate how Poe effectively uses it on me. “I just expected him to be there for us. What kind of dad would rather drink than see his daughter’s boxing match? Actually I don’t care if he drinks, it'll kill him sooner than later.”

I catch a glimpse of the real Poe, when he’s alone and he doesn’t have to put up a face for anyone.

“I get you.” Poe says. “I hated someone too. I really wished them dead. Actually thought of killing them.”

“Who?”

“Myself.”

Two sparrows sleep on my windowsill. Where did the other one go?

I choose my words carefully. “Is that why you had to go to the Medcenter?”

“You’re too smart, Bendejo.” He ruffles my hair, which I hated when I was younger, “I got low. I thought about it, you know. I didn’t want something bloody, like a razor or a gun, ‘cause whoever sees me first would be scarred for life. At one time I went out with Jessika, I stopped by a pharmacy and bought barbiturate sleeping pills. When the coast was clear, I downed the whole bottle.” His voice softened upon seeing my expression. “Then Mr. Guess-Who barged in and said, ‘Hey Hoe, know who Douglas Bader is?’ Woke me up like a splash of water. Realized I wouldn’t even be able to finish reading the article. So I called Mamí for help.”

That’s not fair. Poe does pull ups, sits ups, and crunches alone in his room. His upper body strength would make up for the lost capacity of his extremities. Poe can and will become anything he wants to be.

Anything but dead.

“You wouldn’t have succeeded, Poe… You’d have thrown it up or… or something.”

“Yeah and I’d still have tried other ways. That’s not the point, is it? The point is, you’ve got it wrong if you think I wanna be a pilot so I can take after dad. I wanna be a pilot ‘cause of you.”

I swipe at my eyes. _I almost lost a brother._ He pulls me into a hug. When was the last time I hugged him? Poe smells faintly of sweat and cologne. Why is he the one comforting me? I just did what almost all brothers do: call our siblings names and make them miserable. Even in that, I failed. I am the worst brother in the world.

“Mind if I tell you something, Kylo?”

“Mmm-hmm…”

“Dad needs you to let him be your dad. And so do you.”

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't like what I see, and bury my face in Poe's shoulder.

“You’d make a great father someday, Bendejo. No doubt about it.”

“… but not today.”

“Yeah. Not today.”

***

Stupid birds are chirping and damn sunlight is spilling in through my parents’ wide window. Father asked to see me and Mother told me to do as he says, so if I want to keep living in a house for the next couple of years I must obey their summons. Father sits at the edge of the bed. I want to be anywhere but sitting on a stool with the bane of my existence. Stool, by the way, is a synonym for shit, which is what this  _shituation_ is.

“Your mother tells me you brought me home.”

“Yes, sir.”

He nods and does not meet my eyes, “Thanks, Kylo.”

Since when did he call me Kylo?

“We're prepared for it, father. Just don’t let Rey see you like that.”

His face falls. “Rey saw me?”

I nod. He rubs his face with his hands. I could almost hear him wishing he could erase the previous night from his family’s memory, even if he has no recollection of it himself.

“Kylo. You’ve… you’ve gotta be there for them when I’m not.”

I grip the sides of my stool. I'm already as tall as he is. We don't need Han Solo.Why does he keep coming back? Does he even want us in his life? Life without a father would be easier - no one for Mother to fight with, no one to get drunk and get picked up in the middle of nowhere. Mother doesn't need him, Mother chose him, wants him, so Finn would be able to call someone 'dada', Poe can ask someone about airplanes and crosswind landings, and Rey can throw her arms around a father in a way she no longer does with me. Mother knew her children would need a Father, so she puts up with him.

I swallow, “They…"

My throat hitches.  _I_ don't need him. From the corner of my eye, I see father looking at me. I _don't_ need him. I can take care of Finn and Rey and Poe, and even Mother. He doesn't even know the first thing about them. I don't  _need_ him. Since when have I ever asked Han Solo for help? He needs me more than I need him. I don't need  _him_ as a father, I want a dad. I want a dad who'll take us out to trips everywhere, doing stupid things like fishing. I want a dad who doesn't get drunk, who doesn't throw bottles and lash out at people. I want a dad who understands why my brothers and sister mean the world to me, why I'd protect them with everything I have, why I wish he'd get his life together because I can't, shouldn't, ever take his place. I want a dad who'll take us out to parks and just let us be kids.

"We need you, dad.” I said.

His eyes widen slightly at me, so out of character, and even I can't believe the words tumbled out of my mouth. He knows how much I hate him.

“I know what happened to Poe. I know why he had to go to the Medcenter. Becoming a pilot gave him a new meaning in life. So you're gonna teach him, right? And Rey, she's already lost parents before. Even though I want to hunt them down for how they treated her, their loss left her with something deep, something I'll never understand. She'll be devastated if she loses you too. And Finn - Finn needs to grow up knowing a mom and a dad. So... So… if you want some fresh air for your hang-over, there’s a park I’ve been wanting to go to… just to, you know... run...”

I can't look at him. If I do, my eyes will get hot, wet, and blurry. 

“Sure.” He says. "Poe, Rey, and Finn mean everything to me too. And so do you, son." I do not cringe. I look up.

Father is smiling. "You're a good man, Kylo."

For some reason, I wished he had called me Ben.

Still, finally, maybe someone of legal age can drive the Volvo in emergencies.

“One more thing, father.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s just something that’s been bothering me, you know. I’ve got black hair, and you, mom, Uncle Luke, and all the Solos and Skywalkers have brown hair. So be honest with me.”

Father raises one eyebrow at me.

I swallow, “Am I adopted?”

He smirks, "... if only." 

I hate his laugh. It sounds so much like mine.

***

Why does some force in Endor Park urge me to throw my arms out and run free? Is it the fresh grass smell? The wind rushing in your ears? The taste of freedom? What did I do to deserve something as simple as walking outside on a sunny day with people I call Hoe, Finnamon, and Cray-cray? On the other hand, what did I do to deserve the sight of Mother and Father holding hands like teenagers? Yet I can’t run away from them because I am carrying Finn.

“I want to go fast.” Poe whispers to me when he sees the expanse of the green field. We both feel it.

“Mom, can Rey hold Finn? She's earned it for winning the competition." I asked. 

Mother hesitates, “Alright, you may. For just a minute.”

"Really?!" Her voice reaches another pitch as if she got all she wanted for Christmas.

I carefully pass Finn over to Rey. Rey’s eyes bulge before taking Finn into her arms, as if Finn could shatter with her slightest mistake. She touches Finn's cheek with hers as if to revel in the moment, then kisses Finn with a _muah._ I take over Poe’s wheelchair handles.

“Ready for the ride of your life, Hoe?”

“Whenever you’re ready, Bendejo.”

“Absolutely not!” Mother exclaims.

Father places a hand on Mother's shoulder, “Leia, let kids be kids.”

“Launching in three, two, one…!” I push Poe towards a flock of doves on the grassy field; they take flight. Poe’s laughter cuts through the air and I go faster and faster and – the wheelchair jolts and somersaults over: I stretch both hands to control the invisible force and stop Poe’s fall. I tangle with leather, metal, and rubber; Poe tumbles onto the grass.

Rey screeches our names, Mother and Father run to our side. Several people look around: One woman stands and peers over to see if we need help.

Until Poe props himself on his elbows, grinning like he just rode a starship. “Did you see that, Mamí? I flew! I really flew!”

He doesn’t even have a scratch. Rey breathes a sigh of relief and removes her hand from shielding Finn’s eyes.

“Poe Organa-Solo, I will glue you to your wheelchair!” Mother says sternly. “You, Mister Ben or Kylo Ren or whatever you call yourself these days, you could have lost an eye or a tooth or worse! And you, Mister Let-Kids-Be-Kids…!”

I’m already helping Poe back onto his wheelchair. My knees sting under my jeans. They're likely bleeding, but who’s looking?

“I think we should run through the solid path this time, Kylo Bendejo.”

“Agreed.”

Father locks mother into an embrace. “Run, kids! Run for your lives!”

“Han Solo you stuck-up half-witted scruffy-looking-!”

“Go go go!” Poe yells and I break into another run. When Father tells you to run, you just run. Mother shut her eyes, waiting for the thud of our crash as we took off, but it never came, and our parents grow smaller with distance. I push push push for our lives, Rey cheering with laughter, Finn waving goodbye.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MADE KYLO REN HUG POE. And use the Force to save his life.
> 
> Thank you for reading my tiny fic! Did you like it? Did you not like it? Leave a review, tell me.


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